Lets take it back to a glorious time where I was about 30 pounds lighter and still had a full-ish head of hair. Looking back at these pictures now, it was already starting to recede. Some would call these my glory days, the peak of my life… and I would probably agree with them. At the time of this story I had the first of my many injuries that would ultimately lead to me getting fat and unathletic, definitely wasn’t all the beer and shitty food during college, at almost as fast of a pace as my hair was falling off of my head (I swear I used to be fast and able to shoot a lacrosse ball. Check the high school highlight tapes.) The end of senior year of high school. *insert a shining light with that “aaaaahhhh” sound*

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The day was senior prom and I couldn’t have been more excited. I had everything planned out. My buddy Mikey and I both got rooms at a hotel close to the after party. Our girlfriends at the time were best friends so it worked out perfectly. I had champagne for my lady friend and I got a bottle of Ciroc cause it was prom and I thought it was classy, like myself. And, yes, of course I took a picture of the bottles cause I was sick as fuck drinking expensive shit underage that my mom probably bought me and wanted everybody to know it.

I was smart enough to drive my own car instead of hop in a limo with a bunch of people and get stuck at the dance for the whole time. In addition, our venue was about 45 minutes away from our hotel and after party. So after about an hour of boredom Mikey, our two ladies, and myself hopped into my moms BMW (once again classy as fuck white upper-middle class shit cause prom), and headed back to our hotel. Once we got back into town we picked up our buddy Chief and he suggested we stop at McDons. Being the semi-pro drinker I was at the time, I ordered a 20 piece Mcnugget, 10 for before we start drinking, and 10 for when we get back.

We get to the hotel, start drinking down in my buddies room, and more people start to make there way over to pre-game for the after party. We drink and get fucked up, blah blah blah, go to the after party for a little, get more fucked up cause we are sick high school students drinking as pictured below. The night’s kind of a blur but it was a lot of fun in the snippets I remember during the brown out. Of course I was a sloppy mess, that is the one thing that hasn’t changed after high school.

So, after this we grab a taxi back to our hotel. Yes, a taxi, this was 2013, uber wasn’t around yet. I am highly intoxicated, but very excited for prom sex once back. The hotel was the cherry topping on this whole night. It offered a place to go to drink prior too the after party. But most of all for after, sex. No parents around. Even if you had an open house in high school you had to worry about siblings walking around or one of your idiot friends walking into the room course you threw a party. The hotel room was canvas with a bed, a couch, a bathroom, to try and paint my masterpiece of crazy, drunken sex. And I was Picasso. I was very excited.

Me and my lady friend had been dating for awhile now and already done the dirty on a frequent basis (nooooooottt a big deal), but this was prom sex in a hotel. The only fear I could of had was the dreaded whiskey dick. But at this time I was still a young stallion so it wasn’t of much concern. So we get back to the room and she said she was going to the bathroom to go take off her make up and change *wink wink*.

As I am waiting to put on a performance of a lifetime, I look over and see the box of chicken mcnuggets, *again, insert a shining light with that “aaaaahhhh” sound*. This is the last thing I really remember in my drunken brown out that night.

The next morning I wake up butt naked with a box of chicken nuggets and some bbq sauce dipping cups on/around me. Me being naked and slightly still drunk, Im thinking I ravished her, finished my nuggets naked, and then passed out. I roll over to my girlfriend and was like so how was it? She rolled over with not so happy of a look. She said “I literally went in the bathroom for 10 minutes and when I came out you were passed out naked in bed with an empty box of chicken nuggets on your chest and bbq cause all over your face.” Talk about a beautiful sight. Some would say that it could be compared to the beauty of the Sistine Chapel. The eight wonder of the world.

Sadly, my night of drunken hotel prom sex didn’t come true, not even close. That canvas was left blank. And the next year when we went to her prom and the masterpiece had a second chance to be painted, she got too drunk. I held her hair while she threw up in our hotel room. But through both of these experiences, I kept one thing consistent, drunchies. This time, as I was holding her hair, I was eating tamales. Life’s all about consistency kids.

PS: I made up for it in the morning both times *wink wink* (again, consistency).

Are you surprised to see a picture of me like this? Probably not, but lets rewind about 6 hours prior to this being taken. Another coach that I work with decided to do a bicycle bar in Downtown Boise. If you’ve been on a bicycle bar, you know how much of a dangerously good time they are so with no hesitation I accept the offer and start mentally and physically preparing. My body isn’t what it once was in college, but I plan to put on a game day performance like I was still in the prime of my career.

Game day comes around and it just so happens to be on a Sunday. Of course I must start it like any other Sunday. I wake up at about 10:30am, place my bets (all winners of course), and make my way upstairs to the fridge to crack a delicious Bud Light. Like any seasoned veteran, I prep my body for game day and make a manmosa aka a white trash blue moon. If you are unaware of this drink, it’s a bud light with a sprinkle of orange juice for calcium and nutrition and shit so that my body ready for peak performance. I also make myself a sandwich to have a little coating for the tummy to soak up the amount of booze my body is about to intake, professional move.

Now I get to the bicycle bar and only know 4 people, the birthday boy, his girlfriend, my boss, and his wife. the rest of the people were all strangers and what’s the best way to get to know strangers? Immediately break the ice with tall boy shotguns. Boom, the bar is off to a hot start. The operator gives us her instructions and says play that music and start peddling. Unlike the previous two I have been on, this bike bar actually requires you to pedal in order for it to move. I enjoyed the electric version a lot more cause I didn’t have to embarrass the rest of the group with my D2 conditioning and leg strength. Then I hear, blasting over the speakers, “Thats why I fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker,” and I immediately got fired up and pedaled my life away… for all of 30 seconds. The adrenaline wore off rather quickly, and I now realized I am, in fact, that fat motherfucker. My legs were burning and turned into noodles right away. I couldn’t even drink my beer cause I was so out of breath. Somehow I fought through that adversity, like any seasoned veteran would.

We stopped at the first bar and immediately I felt at home with these people. 2 of the guys ran into the bathroom to pull trigger cause they pregamed to hard (rookies), and the rest of us all ordered tequila shots, mmmmm. Over the next three hours I proceed to crush most of the 12 pack of tall boys that I brought with me while continuously taking tequila shots and even threw in a Jager bomb at the bars to spice things up a little. After our time on the bike was over, only about three of us were still in the game because we are professional drinkers, and the game wasn’t over yet. From here, I don’t remember much of the rest of the night but I showed back up to my house lookin like this:

The rest of this story was told to me cause I don’t have a single memory of this. Also take into consideration it’s only about 7-8pm. Callie said everyone is next door at her families house watching the game and we should head over. We walk out the door and I say “Wow I really have to pee,” to which Callie responds, “Ok, go back in and use my bathroom or you can use the one next door.” Im guessing sometime in the middle of that sentence, I tune her out, like I do to most women when they are making rational and logical statements. Can you believe I’m still single? Anyways, She was walking away from me towards the other house and I guess I stopped, turned to my left, unzipped my pants and just started peeing in my new front lawn for the world to see. Again, it’s only about 7 or 8 o’clock, people were defiantly still up. One peak outside or unfortunate dog walking route would lead them to seeing said picture at the top of the blog. The rest of the night comprised of me slamming opening the sliding door into her families house while drunkenly slurring “HEY EVERYBODY (insert my drunken laugh),” telling the same 2 stories over and over again, and Callie bringing me pizza slices. I guess that was just my way of saying hello to the neighbors and thanks for having me in your neighborhood.

If you are reading this you guys already probably know me. I go by many nicknames so insert which ever one fits best for you here ______. I am going to be posting some funny stories I’ve acquired over the years in my own words. Im sure most of you have heard or been apart of them but I thought it would be fun to rehash some of the fun times. Most of these stories will have alcohol involved because some would say (not me of course) I’ve drank excessively a few times in my life. I also like to gamble on sports from time to time. That is another reason I have started this site, to share with you past and present stories of my gambling fortunes. If you expect these to be written with proper grammar, you are wrong, but I’ll try my bestest. Feel free to send in some ideas of things you’d like me to talk about on here and I hope you enjoy!